Twenty-four.

With my birthday not too far down the road, I always find myself in a bit of a "rut." It drives me crazy when I see people I grew up with graduating college and becoming successful. I'm not jealous of them per se, but it doesn't hesitate to make me question the choices I've made in my life thus far. What would have happened if I had never taken a break after high school? If I hadn't skipped all of those college courses I took, where would I be? I guess it's better to get my shit together now than never, but honestly, I need a game plan.

When I started first started college, I was in a really unhappy place in my life. It began with a guy whom I was so in love with, but I was also far too naive to handle it properly. We dated, I acted like a typical indecisive teenage girl who was full of insecurities and wasn't mature enough for a serious relationship. I handled things the wrong way, we broke up, I wallowed in my self pity for a couple of years, blah blah blah. After that, I came to the realization that I was just wasting time allowing myself be miserable, so I took my ass to a local community college and signed up for fall semester classes. Soon after, my Grandmother was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer and I felt the all too familiar hole in my life resurface. I started skipping all of my classes just to drive around aimlessly and pretend everything was fine. I shouldn't have let that effect my schooling, but I didn't know any better. I simply couldn't concentrate on anything else at that point in time. I had never even told my parents that I stopped going. I'd continued to get up every day, hop in my car, grab a coffee and a pack of cigarettes and just sit at a park getting lost in my thoughts. I guess I didn't have my self together as much as I had thought.

                                          

My grandparents both moved in with us around Christmastime that year and by May, my best friend and grandmother was being made comfortable by hospice staff. Nurses were coming and going day and night, family was visiting constantly and those honestly felt like the longest couple of weeks of my life. I stayed home from my job that entire time to help my mother and aunt take care of things around the house. The first day my mother had made me go back to work after her condition came to a standstill, I was there for a total of an hour before I saw my uncle walk through the door to tell me she had passed away. I was angry, lost, confused... I had so much frustration and grief that I didn't know what to do with.

Every day I think about what she would have thought of Milo; whether or not she would have been mad at me for getting pregnant without being married first. I wonder if she'd think I was a good mother. I make sure to sing him all the songs that she once sang to me and I always tell him who she is every time we pass her hanging picture. He needs to know how much of a beautiful person she was and how she made such an impact on my life.

We all know life doesn't go as expected, but I'm just now finding it a lot easier to come to terms with. Did I plan on having no degree, being a young parent and being a stay at home mother when I turn 24? No. Not even close, but I do know that I'm a mother for a reason. If I had waited 5 or so more years to have a child, it wouldn't be the crazy little curly-haired boy sleeping in the other room. I'm sure I still would've loved that child with my whole heart, but it wouldn't have his laugh or his smile. I'm so thankful for him. He doesn't know it, but he has truly been my saving grace.

I'm also a wife for a reason. No one can drive me crazy like my husband does, but no one can love me like he can, either. I didn't spend two years of my life trying to convince him to love me for nothing! I don't have to explain myself to him, he just understands me. Kevin allows me to go through my phases of irrational ideas and rants and mood swings and stubborn fits. He's okay with me staying home and raising our son until there's an opportunity that could potentially benefit us in the long run. It's something so many women want to be able to do and I am so blessed that I can. After all, if it weren't for him, I wouldn't even be a mother.

The point is, this year I'm over making resolutions I'm going to be disappointed over if I don't keep. Instead, I want to make a change in my life for the better. Though they may seem fairly reasonable and simple, they're of great importance to me. 

1. I will go school and become a nurse of some kind.
2. I will find a hobby that I can get myself lost in.
3. I will allow nothing to get in to way of my love for my children.
4. I won't lose focus of my health or the health of my family.
5. I will make more time for my marriage.
6. I will never take anything God has given me for granted. 
7. I will always be proud of who I am.
8. I will never lose sight of what's important.

 Thanks for listening.