A Change is Going to Come.

Motherhood has done a lot for me as a person. I find it a lot like coming across old embarrassing photos of yourself and questioning why the hell you ever left the house acting and looking the way you did (parachute pants and 500+ Hot Topic t-shirts anyone?) I think that I have always been somewhat of a pretty laid back and normal person, even in my teenage years. I've never liked confrontation and I always aimed to please others. Aside from smoking cigarettes and the occasional fifth of vodka consumed in a single night with my best friend, I never allowed myself to get into a lot of trouble. I knew right from wrong and was always pretty much 100% honest and open with my mother. I remember the night that I had lost my virginity and I came home and told her right away. Not because I felt guilty about committing the act, but because she had never made me feel like being human was something to be ashamed of. And I'd rather her hear it straight from my mouth rather than from someone else. Sorry for the TMI, mom.

There are people that have slowly fallen out of my life the past couple of years. Some didn't even speak to me nor acknowledge the fact that I was even having a baby. And I was blamed for that. Why, because I had to grow up? Because I had a responsibility to a tiny little human that I would have to raise and love and be there for above all else? I don't regret anything. Was I terrified? Extremely, but that didn't mean that I wasn't excited. My pregnancy was rough for me and I didn't have a lot of people I could lean on and talk to. Now that I look back, I don't really care anymore. Because I grew up. And I've accepted that some just never will. You can't spend time trying to kiss every one else's ass when you have your own thing to do. And when you're there for them through plenty over the years, it hurts like shit when they don't want to be involved in the most important thing you will ever do. I'm not sorry I didn't text more, I'm not sorry I didn't update people on what was happening. Why, so I could get an eye roll and hear from the grape vine that all I talk about is being pregnant? I was on bed rest. I was in and out of the hospital weekly. I had doctor appointments and ultrasounds up the ass to make sure everything was fine. And all that time, even after I had Milo, nothing changed. Even to this day.

I want to be a good mother. I want my son to know that no matter what happens in his life, I will  never not be there. If he one day decides that he wants to pursue art, become a doctor, or even be a girl, I will always be his biggest cheerleader. You're dealt one set of parents and the impact you have on your child's life determines how they feel about others and how they feel about themselves. I want him to feel fucking proud in his skin. I want him to know that at the end of the day, all that matters is how you feel about yourself because no one else will ever know what that feels like. I want his trust and his respect, but I don't plan on getting it without giving him the same. I want him to grow up knowing that everything I have done will be because that's what I felt was best for him. There's so much hate towards one another for our parenting decisions, but we need to put our focus on our kids instead of another's. No one is perfect, and we're all going to make mistakes, but that's the beauty in life. You're not made to be a carbon copy of every other person out there, you're made to be you and we all do the best we can.

Today I'm letting go of all of the grudges, of all of the judgement, obligation and anger that I've let burrow it's way inside of me. It's time for a cleanse and a more positive outlook with less fucks given. Tomorrow is a new day.