My skin is unfamiliar.
My heart thumps to a beat that I haven't yet heard, and I can't help but listen to it's beauty.
The inside of my head feels foreign and empty.
Time passes with each exhale and it's weight sits heavy on my chest.
Sometimes I stare into my own reflection, trying to find fragments of who I once was in my gaze,
But I instead find vacancy. She's not there anymore.
There are things that are going to happen in life that make you long to start over. Your spine begins to strengthen and you find yourself standing quite taller than you've been used to. Relationships that have once softened the blows throughout your life now don't bring you the same positive comfort. They become chores, obligations. They're exhausting to even think about. You fall back into your old habits of talking the way you used to, reminiscing on your own past stupidity, but as you listen to the words rolling from your tongue, you hear the voice of a stranger. A follower. Someone who once surrounded themselves with walls made of people to mold your personality for you, because you grew up telling yourself that you lacked originality, individuality. You wanted to blend, but this is a point in your life where you feel the urge to separate. The person you have built yourself up to be is no longer needed, so you shed your skin and move forward into life's newest phase. And that is more than okay. You don't need validation for banishing from life the things that no longer make you happy.
I woke up a few weeks ago and as soon as my feet hit the floor, it phased me that I am entering a new stage of my life where there is only so much room for the past. The border of my comfort zone is retracting and expanding and I am allowing myself to be grow into a woman I am proud of. Someone who has their own back without depending on the someone to take them under their wing. Someone who walks with dignity and grace and who loves with her entire being. Who loves herself and respects her feelings and body. Who knows when to be tough, but can still allow herself to be soft. The unfamiliarity is terrifying, but it's also extremely riveting and nothing more than a sign that a change needs to happen.
So I begin by forgiving myself.
I forgive myself for what I cannot change about my past and present.
I forgive myself for blaming myself for the loss of my second child.
I forgive my body for the feelings of hostility and betrayal.
I forgive myself for denying my true potential and telling myself that I'm not worthy of happiness, love and success.
I forgive myself for building a wall so high and thick that it has taken me years upon years to slowly break down.
I forgive myself for carrying out relationships that I should have left long ago out of fear or change and retaliation.
I forgive myself for thinking that I was broken.
Now I realize that a person does not break, they're just forever mending.
